Exterior Market. Del is stood beside his suitcase which is full of handkerchiefs.
Del:
Come on, girls, come on. These are the finest handkerchiefs money can buy. Look at that, they're a pleasure to have the flu with, these.
(Blows his nose into one)
See that? They're lovely, they work, they're beautiful, now come on. Take 'em off me, listen, I gotta knock them out cause I want to get home early.
A Woman carrying a cage with six white mice in heads towards Del.
Woman:
Hello, are you Mr Trotter?
Del:
Yep, that's right darling'. 'Ere you are, three for a pound.
Woman:
I don't want handkerchiefs. I want to talk to you about white mice.
Del:
White mice? Ah, that's a shame. You should have come yesterday. I had six beauties yesterday, but I sold them to a wally in a funny hat.
Woman:
That is exactly what I have come to see you about. My name is Lynne Faulds Wood .
Del:
Ah well, don't feel guilty about it girl, wasn't your fault, was it? Actually, Lynne happens to be my most favourite name.
(Del kisses her hand)
Woman:
That's what they all say.
Del:
(Still holding her hand) My name is Del, short for Derek. (Looks at her ring) How much did that you pay for that?
Woman:
(Pulls her hand away) Stop trying to change the subject!
Del:
I'm just saying that I could have got it cheaper for you. Do you like curry?
Woman:
Look, I'm Lynne Faulds Wood from the BBC's Breakfast Time programme, and I have come to see you because I have had a very serious complaint.
Del:
Complaint? Ah, no. Sorry, you have got the wrong department. I don't handle complaints. You have to see my Director of Public Relations. He's out at the moment. He's down at the café getting a bacon roll.
Woman:
Are you sure he's not stocking up on pork pies? Mr Trotter, you are the man I want to see. Now, yesterday afternoon you sold these six white mice to a Mr Buttons.
Del:
Mr Buttons? No, no, I told yer, I flogged 'em to a wally in a funny hat.
Woman:
Mr Buttons IS the wally in the funny hat! Now, you assured Mr Buttons that these white mice were magic, and that they would turn into horses.
Del:
(Amused) Did I say that?
Woman:
You most certainly did.
Del:
Turn into horses?
Woman:
Yes. And I am here to tell you, Mr Trotter, that, surprise surprise, these white mice did not turn into horses.
Del:
Really? Now that does surprise me, that. cause I have yet to have a white mouse that didn't turn into a horse. I mean, remember Red Rum? Well, I knew him when he was White Rum and used to run around in one of those little wheels.
Woman:
I have never heard such rubbish!
Del:
Well, hang about, I ain't finished yet.
Woman:
Oh, you will be, Mr Trotter, you will be when I have finished with you. Now you guaranteed Mr Buttons that these white mice would turn into a horses at midnight. Look, they've patently failed. So, what are you going to do about it?
Del:
Oh, hang on, hang on! That wally Buttons never mentioned nothing about midnight, did he?
Woman:
What difference does the time make, anyway?
Del:
What difference? It makes a hell of a difference, cause these white mice are Korean.
Woman:
Korean?
Del:
Yeah.
Woman:
So what?
Del:
What do you mean, so what? You gotta take into consideration the international time difference.
These white mice are still set to Korean time, ain't they? Hang about, look. (Pulls out a
calculator, works something out.) There, look at that. Now listen, you keep your eye on
those white mice, 3:25 this afternoon, bobs your uncle. You'll have more horses than Lester
Piggott. Now, I must dash, cause I gotta see a bloke about a lamb. Ta-ra.