Grandad: and Rodney are watching a war film., Del is sat reading The Petroleum Times.

Grandad:
This brings back some memories.

Rodney:
Yeah? You seen this film before then?

Grandad:
I meant the war, I was in the RAF, I flew in a Wellington.

Del:
Why didn't you just wear flying boots like everyone else?

Grandad:
I'll have you know I was one of the few.

Del:
Yeah one of the few who did naff all

Rodney:
No, I've heard all about it Del, they used to call him the Grey Baron. Yeah you give him a jar of Brill cream and a bouncing bomb and there's no holding him.

Grandad:
Bits o' kids don't know nothing.

Del:
I know one thing, this time next year we're gonna be millionaires!

Rodney:
Oh yeah?

Del:
Oi! Don't you get septic with me Rodney! You just take a butchers at that.

Del: throws a magazine onto Rodney's lap.

Rodney:
A magazine about North Sea oil?

Del:
Well spotted! Well done my son! Glad to see all that education is beginning to pay off. Now the mists of ignorance have been lifted from my eyes. The door has opened upon a new world. I mean the oil industry

Rodney:
The oil industry? What about it?

Del:
What about it? That's the typical reaction of your lame-brained punter that is. You see what I mean Grandad the people of this country are completely bemused by the vast North Sea oil industry. I mean, where does oil come from?

Grandad:
From the garage.

Del:
No, I don't mean where you buy it from you soppy old goat. I mean what's it made of? How'd it get there? You don't know do you.

Rodney:
I know. Done lots of studying ain't I.

Del:
Alright then. Tell us.

Rodney:
Well its erm, It's made of er, It's a molecular structure, its, its, alright I don't know.

Del:
You see what I mean Grandad. Two GCE's and an evening binary course in bingo and he thinks he's Magnus Magnuson

Rodney:
Alright then, alright Bamba. Why don't you tell us?

Del:
Alright. Oil comes from fermented prehistoric plants and decomposed fossils. See if you stick a geranium in Grandad's top pocket in ten million years from now it could be lubricating a Morris Marina!

Rodney:
Where'd you get this from anyway?

Del:
I met this bloke down the café, he'd just finished working in the North Sea. He gave it to me. It's been a real eye opener I can tell you.

Del:
goes round the living room picking things up.

Del:
You see up til now I always thought that oil was something you forgot to put in the van. Theres a hell of a lot more to it than that Rodney. I'm talking about North Sea oil and its byproducts or hydrocarbons as we like to call them

Del:
puts the things on the table.

Rodney:
Hydrocarbons! He'll be playing scrabble next! He goes down to Dirty Doug's cafe, has a bacon sarnie and a browse through this magazine and he's acting like J.R.!

Del:
Oi lets have none of your lip. Now come over here and learn something will you?

Rodney: goes over to the table

Del: Right then sit down.

Rodney: sits down

Del:
Now, what have all these things got in common?

Rodney:
They're all nicked

Del:
Yeah.. No. Well what else have they all got in common? I'll tell you shall I? They're all made with oil. Not a single item on this table could've been made without the aid of oil and its by-products, methane, propane and butane and of course… something else

Rodney:
Cornflakes don't come from oil nor do tyres

Del:
Yes they do cause they contain a petro-chemical called carbon black

Rodney:
Cornflakes contain carbon black?

Del:
Yeah… No! Tyres contain carbon black you wally! No but the fertiliser that helps grow your cornflakes, that comes from North Sea oil. Also the oil that powered the lorry that delivered them to Tesco's came from North Sea oil. All your lorries, your buses, your boats, your planes, they all run on petrol don't they or derv or jet fuel don't they? Even the tube trains run on electric that comes from an oil fired generator. So you see all transportation relies on oil

Grandad:
An horse and cart don't.

Del:
Oh yes it does see Mrs Nelly Know-all. I'll tell you why. You see the food that the horse eats is grown with the aid of North Sea oil. Also the rubber tyres what his cart runs on contains…What Rodney?

Rodney:
Oh er…Carbon black?

Del:
Good boy. Carbon black. I'll tell you something else that contains carbon black and that is ink. So you see, without North Sea oil you wouldn't get your page three every morning would you? (Looks at paper) Blimey that contains a lot of carbon black doesn't it?

Rodney:
Phwoar. There's a lot to be said about the old North Sea oil then ain't there?

Del:
See even that jacket you're wearing, Rodney, that comes from North Sea oil. Yeah? Do you remember when I let you buy it from me; I told you that it contained 100% polyester? Here, most of the clothes that you're wearing come from man-made fibres. Its all oil you know. Yeah everything from your polyurethane socks to your synthetic underwear. I mean just imagine once upon a time your pants were nothing more than fermenting plants and decomposed fossils laying somewhere off the coast of Aberdeen. Amazing in it?

Rodney:
It's a real mind blower Del yeah

Del:
Mind you I suppose in your case the fossils won't notice much difference

Grandad:
Must be like home from home aye Del Boy?

Rodney:
Why don't you two rap up for a while?

Del:
Oi what's the time?

Rodney: looks at watch

Rodney:
This thing still ain't working right Del

Del:
No I know but it plays a couple of lovely tunes though don't it?

Rodney:
Yeah but it don't tell the time!

Del:
Yeah well you don't know how to work it properly that's your fault

Rodney:
You what?

Del:
And look at that strap that comes from North Sea oil and all

Rodney:
Does it?

Del:
Here Grandad change the channels to BBC2 will you there's a documentary I wanna watch, it's all about oil exploration. Hey come on Rodney. Turn the lights down we wanna watch this

Grandad:
But I'm watching the film

Del:
Well you can watch it again next year. Just turn it over will you?

Rodney: turns the light off.

The documentary starts. Several minutes in Del notices that Grandad has fallen asleep.

Del:
Oi Grandad wake up this is exciting!

Grandad:
I know I'm getting excited with my eyes shut

Finally the documentry finishes.

Del:
And that includes us don't it. Now you've got the full SP on the bizzo. See without them blokes up there in the North Sea this country would grind to a halt. You know, no products would get made, nothing would get delivered, people won't be able to get to work.

Rodney:
Well hold on! There's three and a half million people who've got no work to go to anyway!

Del:
I know but without North Sea oil that number could be doubled couldn't it? It doesn't just create jobs in its own industry, it requires products and services don't it hey? Cause, I mean like you need steel don't you to make the big pipes and the storage tanks then you need welders and engineers to build them enormous platforms. You've gotta have the crews to man 'em. Then there's food and drink there's clothing, flats and houses for the employees to live in. You know that's millions of jobs.

Grandad:
Yeah and it makes us Brits independent of that mob out there in the sand dunes

Del:
Yeah

Rodney:
OK Grandad. But Del what I do not understand, how come you are so suddenly interested in it?

Del:
Cause we're gonna earn out of this Rodney

Rodney:
How?

Del:
You leave that to your big brother! I want you to read that magazine and get an early night. Cause I've got a surprise for you in the morning, have I got a surprise for you

Del: goes out to the hall

Grandad:
Last time he said that you finished up in protective custody!

Rodney: gives a look

The following day...

Rodney: comes into the living room having just got out of bed. There's a man sitting at the table with a cup of tea. Rodney doesn't notice him as he goes to the front door and picks up the newspaper. Rodney walks past the man to go back to the bedroom he suddenly turns round realising that there's a stranger sitting at the table.

Rodney:
Morning

Bloke
Afternoon

Rodney: plays with his watch. Del enters from kitchen with a bundle of money.

Del:
Grandad, Rodney's up!

Rodney: goes over to Del and gives him a look. Del waves the money in Rodneys face.

Del:
You are up aren't you ?

Rodney:
Yeah I think so. (Whispering) Oi who's he?

Del:
Who?

Rodney:
Him

Del:
Him? He's a business contact. I'll explain later. Here you are my good fellow I think you'll find that all in order

Del: hands the man the money.

Man
I'll count the money if you don't mind. I mean don't get me wrong but I just don't trust you

Del:
Oeuf sur la plat as the French would say

Man
I'll see you tomorrow, 9 o'clock at the cafe

Del:
Right you are then Paddy

The Man gets up. He's bigger than Del and towers over him

Del:
You don't mind if I call you Paddy do you?

Man
You can call me what you like. It's a pleasure doing business with you Mr Trotter

Del:
And with you sir

They shake hands

Man
I hope you don't mind me asking, but, how longs he been like that ?

Man points to Rodney who is staring vaguely into a newspaper.

Del:
Ever since he was bitten by the testy fly. Don't worry, beyond our help now. Anyway, right see you in the morning Paddy alright. Mind your head

The man leaves as Grandad enters from the kitchen

Grandad:
Here's your dinner Del Boy. Rodney your breakfast

Del:
I've done it, I've done it! I've just the deal that's gonna make us millionaires

They all sit at table

Rodney:
Are you sure these cornflakes don't contain carbon black ?

Del:
No, he just dropped them in… something

Grandad:
I cleaned 'em off!

Rodney:
Dear God!

Del:
Right then Rodney. Aren't you gonna ask me about the deal I've just made? Come on wake up Rodney, wake up

Rodney:
What's the deal Del?

Del:
Alright Rodney you win I'll tell you. Well that bloke was a deep-sea diver, right, and up till recently he was working in the North Sea. A couple of weeks ago he decided to jack it in and come down here

Grandad:
There ain't a lot of call for deep-sea divers around Peckham, Del Boy

Del:
No, he ain't come here to look for a job as a deep sea diver is he, you silly old… Just shut up Grandad will you, just shut up. Nah he came down here to look for someone with some guts right, someone who's prepared to put his money where his mouth is. You know. Speculate. Someone like… well you know… me. Well I mean you know me Rodney hey? He who dares wins!

Del:
Anyway, well basically us people in the oil business you know we're twentieth century Walter Raleigh's, Francis Drakes, we're err…

Grandad:
Burk's!

Del:
No we're not! We're buccaneers!

Rodney:
I never really seen you as a buccaneer Del. A pirate maybe. So what's this deal then ?

Del:
Well the way I see it see, eventually even the politicians are gonna have to, erm, start helping out the oil companies rather than hindering them right? I mean what's the point of having a goose that lays a golden egg if you're not prepared to feed it occasionally? I mean, the biggest wally in the world can understand that. You can understand that can't you Rodney?

Rodney: looks blank

Rodney:
Yes I can understand that

Del:
Good, right, the best thing to do is to get in now before the real oil bonanza starts, right? That is why I've decided to buy something, sort of like, on our behalf

Grandad:
What ha' you bought?

Del:
Well its bound to be a good 'un. Its gotta be a good 'un. I paid that bloke over 400 nicker for it

Rodney:
400 quid!!!

Del:
Yeah, mind you he wanted 400 dollars, but I said to him 'No way my son, we deal in currency that I understand, alright'

Grandad:
I bet that shook him

Del:
What? Rigid

Rodney: So what have you bought then?

Del:
An oil rig

Rodney:
An oil rig?

Del:
An oil rig

Grandad:
What colour is it ? Dvel
I don't know what colour it is. I haven't seen it yet. We pick it up tomorrow morning

Rodney:
You're not serious

Del: grins and nods

Rodney:
You are serious?

Del:
Yeah

Rodney:
Del oil rigs cost millions and millions of pounds

Del:
It's an hooky oil-rig. Come of the back of a tug didn't it?

Rodney:
And where is this oil rig?

Del:
It's in a lock-up garage in Catford

Rodney:
A lock-up in Ca…? I don't think you read that magazine very well did you? Have you got any idea how much them oil rigs weigh? The one on the telly last night weighed one hundred thousand tonnes!

Del:
Yeah, well, its only a small oil rig. You know, we're just starting off in a small way. I thought we might call ourselves 'Trotter Oil'

Grandad:
It's got a nice ring to it Del Boy

Rodney:
Oi, hold on. How'd you figure we're gonna do any exploration or drilling ?

Del:
Well that's the beauty of it Rodney. We don't have to. We just lay low in our boat for a while and we wait for one of the big oil companies to move off of the oil field, then we whip in a bit lively and use their hole!

Rodney:
I don't believe you. I just do not believe you!

Del:
What's the matter with you ? It'll be a doddle. I mean, you can just whip down there with your pipe and connect up then we'll be pumping up crude. Black gold !

Rodney:
Here, hold on. What'd you mean I'll go down and fix up the pipe?

Del:
Well it'll be alright. I'll get you all the equipment. I don't expect you to go down like that do I? And, I mean you've already got the deep-sea divers watch so that's a start ain't it?

Grandad:
But his watch don't work

Del:
Well that don't matter cause he won't be able to tell the time down there will he? It'll be too dark

Rodney:
Hold on. I can only swim an hundred yards!

Del:
Well you only need to swim an hundred yards. Down

Rodney:
Alright then, alright then, whereabouts are these oil fields then?

Del:
They're offshore ain't they! That's why they're called offshore oil fields!

Rodney:
Yes but Del when they say they are offshore right they mean hundreds and hundreds of miles offshore! Some of them are near Norway

Del:
Norway? That's in Sweden ain't it?

Rodney:
You thought they were just a few hundred yards out didn't you?

Del:
Nah I mean you know, that deep sea diver said you can see some of them from the beach

Rodney:
Well of course you can. Some of them are as tall as the Eiffel tower. Well he's conned you Del ain't he? I mean he's done you up like a kipper ain't he?

Del:
He weren't the sort to con me was he Grandad?

Grandad:
Course not. He had an honest face.

Del:
Exactly

Grandad:
In fact he reminded me very much of you Del Boy

Del:
Well don't just sit there Rodney! Go and get the van started! Go on we've gotta go and get after him! Here you are, here's the keys

Rodney:
Right

Del:
Go on, hurry up. Stone me. What a Wally!

Rodney:
I've still got my pyjamas on

Del:
Well no-ones going to notice that. Now go on get going!

Rodney:
Del, its the van, I've just remembered.

Del:
What about the van?

Rodney:
Its out of petrol !

Del: starts to strangle Rodney.