Exterior: It is Christmas. Del is at a street market with his battered suitcase resting
upon a card table. He's surrounded by a group of potential punters.
Now don't muck about. I'm here to sell my wares and they are guaranteed to cure hardcore,
softcore and pimples on your tongue. Now look here, look at this.
(He points to a tacky plastic Christmas tree)
That's beautiful innit, eh? That's raise de chassie as
they say in Dieppe. Now be honest, have you ever seen a Christmas tree like that before? No of
course you haven't, and I'll tell you the reason why. Because this is not an ordinary Christmas
tree. This is a new advanced microchip Christmas tree as advertised on Tomorrows World.
(Del's flow is interrupted when he sees a women lose interest and turn to walk away)
Just a sec... excuse me madam, excuse me... don't you know it's
rude to walk away when someone's talking to you? Well go on then if you must - but hurry back.
Listen, this Christmas tree contains all the traditional Yuletide values plus 21st century
technology. Let me give you just two of its manifold advantages. One - you do not have to
buy electric lights, baubles, bangles and beads because this tree comes complete.
Two - you don't have to struggle with it like you do the old forest type Christmas tree because
this tree folds down
(Del demonstrates how the tree folds down using a telescopic motion)
and fits neatly...
(He tries to place it in his case but it's too big)
it fits neatly, very, very neatly
(It finally fits when he bends the top and Del snaps the case shut)
into the suitcase. Now if you went up Harrods you'd pay 27
quid for one of these and you'd think that you were getting a right result. Well I'm not going
to ask you for 27 quid. I'm not even going to ask you for a score. Who said 15? Who said..
put your money away love... put your money away... I don't want 15, I don't want 12. I'm not even
asking for 10. Right, come on girls - fastest first wins - it's six quid and I'm having bread
and cheese for my Christmas dinner.
(The crowd is unimpressed and begin to disperse)
six quid... anybody? The lots got to go, six.
(Del looks despondent. An old lady approaches.Del is delighted)
Alright as you're the first you can have it for a fiver darlin'. There you
go, that's it
(Del gives the old lady a huge box containing a tree, Rodney wanders over with
Mind you don't fall off your bike.
I've just got these out the back of the van.
Well you can just take them back again can't you? These are going down about as well as Union
Jacks in Buenos Aires.
How many we sold.
Well, including hers... er... one.
One down 149 to go.
What do you mean one down?
Grandad arrives, clutching a thermos flask.
Here you go Del Boy, you left your flask of coffee on the sideboard this morning.
Thanks very much Grandad, I could just go a nice cup of coffee. You didn't forget my
saccharin's did you?
I got then this morning.
Del takes a mouthful of the coffee and immediately sprays it back out.
Ah good man.
This is stone cold.
Well it would be it's been standing on the sideboard for hours.
Couldn't you of made fresh?
I didn't have time to make coffee, I had to get your flask down to you.
You silly old sod... Here, Rodney, chuck that away will you? (He passes the flask to Rodney who
throws it into a passing council dustcart) You could easily have made some fresh couldn't you?
(Del realises what he just saw Rodney do)
I meant the coffee you plonker! Stone me I only
nicked that flask last week.
Del and Rodney stare into the dustcart, it is full of rubbish.
Go on, get in there and fish it out.
Rodney: I'm not getting in there with all that rubbish.
What are you talking about? It's tidier than your bedroom.
I'm not going in there and that's final.
How am I ever going to become a millionaire when I'm surrounded by wallies? Go on, pick up
the stuff and we'll go and get a cup of tea at Sid's.
At Sid's burger van - A typical greasy spoon. Sid has a fag hanging from his mouth, the ash
probably adds to the flavour of the food he serves.
Give us three teas will you, Sid?
How's your luck?
Don't ask, just don't ask. I'll have three ham rolls an' all. (To Rodney and Grandad)
Do you want anything to eat?
I'll have a Wagon Wheel, Del Boy.
Yeah, I'll have one of those monosodium glutamate pies of yours please.
(Annoyed) Steak Pie.
So what happens if we don't get rid of them trees, eh? We done our money I suppose?
It's the world recession innit? It's effecting everyone. 'Ere Rodney, come here, come here a
minute will you. Come here... I've got something to show you. Every year for as long as I can
remember the market traders have given a Christmas tree to that church over there, but this
year they just can't afford it. It's the little orphans I feel sorry for. I mean every
Christmas they'd come down from the orphanage , they'd hold an open-air carol service round
the tree. Looked really lovely it did - I thought about crying once. Still times change don't
they? It's not all san fairy an oy. Sid put those ham rolls in a paper bag for me will
you? Come on Grandad I'll give you a lift home. Oi Rodney see if you can do something with
them Christmas trees will you? Good lad.
Outside the church door Rodney has just erected one of the telescopic trees.
Right, ready when you are Rev.
Here goes then. (He turns on the power, the tree lights up and starts flashing) Oh, they
Yeah. They're not supposed to. I mean it's not much of a tree but it's the only one I could...
No, you're wrong Rodney. This is the finest Christmas tree our church has ever had. You know for
a growing number of years I have become dismayed, even shocked by the attitude of youth but
today you walked into this church and offered us this tree simply because you care. You have
rekindled my faith in the human race. It's not nicked is it?
(Appalled anyone could suggest such a thing of him) No, no of course it's not nicked. I mean,
who'd nick that?
Well, God bless you my son. They'll be a place waiting for you in heaven.
Oh good, well tell him I'm in no hurry, won't you? Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas to you.
As Rodney leaves the church ground he is pleased with his work, but his face drops as he hears
Del's latest line in patter with a new group of punters.
Look at that; that is beautiful innit, eh? Because this is no ordinary Christmas tree. As I
was saying this is the only Christmas tree as used and recommended by the Church of England.
If you'd just like to cast your eyes over there you'll see what I mean. (Del spots Rodney,
who has a face like thunder) Well done Rodney, I knew you wouldn't let me down.
Now as I was saying the Archbishop of Canterbury himself actually has one of these Christmas
trees in his front room. Now you could too have one in your front room for the ridiculously
low price of just £7. That's all I'm... (A women leans forward) £7 you got £7 lady? Thanks very
much. That's the right money... Take that one there.
You dirty little mercenary.
We needed someone to promote our products...
But God? You knew I'd give that tree to the vicar didn't you? All that rubbish about the
little orphans. You've got no ethics have you? You don't even know what ethics are do you?
Yeah, ethics - they make model aeroplanes don't they? (Customers approach) Yes sir, certainly.
That's it. Just the right money. Thank you very much. You take that one.
That's Airfix I don't believe you sometimes.
Listen Rodney, just a minute, listen to me. The vicars happy because he's got a
Christmas tree right? The punters are happy because they think they're getting something
special right? And we're happy because we're making £3.50 on every tree. So everyone's a
winner. Now are you gonna sell a tree? You can sell two if you like.
No way my son. I've heard of the commercialisation of Christmas but this is taking the...
(Rodney pauses as he sees Del with a large wad of notes) £3.50?
All in lovely crisp readies.
(Rodney suddenly finds some enthusiasm) All right girls, have your money ready...
No don't worry.