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Series 1, Big Brother

Del: The French have a word for people like me.

Rodney: Yeah, the English have got a couple of good 'uns 'an all!

Series 2, The Long Legs of the Law

Grandad: I mean smoking mari-jew-arna! You brought a slur upon the family name.

Rodney: Oh leave off Grandad. I'd have to get done for chicken molesting to bring a slur on this family's name!

Series 2, The Long Legs of the Law

Del: I'll tell you what's the matter with him, shall I, Grandad. The other day I meet a couple of birds right - well, when I say a couple of birds, a mother and her daughter. Now I've known them for a long time, they're two very charming people. Anyway, I suggest we made up a foursome, right. So last night we went out for a drink. We took them out and gave them a nice drink. Had a lovely meal and then, him over there, he goes and gets the sulks don't he.

Grandad: What's the matter with you, Rodney? It sounds like a nice evening.

Rodney: Grandad - when he said we was going out with a mother and her daughter I assumed that I'd be with the daughter. Instead of that, he drags me round every pub in the Old Kent Road holding hands with some old sort with a cough!

Series 2, No Greater Love

Irene: Just one thing, you better tell me your name it's gonna get a bit embarrassing if I keep having to call you thingy all night.

Rodney: Sorry, yeah Rodney.

Irene: Irene.

Rodney: No Rodney.

Series 4, Sleeping Dogs Lie

Rodney: That dog don't like me.

Del: He's alright, he can smell fear.

Rodney: I'm surprised he can smell anything at all with that gallon of Brut you're wearing.

Series 4, Watching The Girls Go By

Albert: It was 1946. We'd sailed into Hamburg to pick up some prisoners of war. Helga was working in a bar near the docks. She was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen - I fell in love with her the moment I saw her! The little finger on her right hand was missing.

Del: Caught her hand in the till did she?

Albert: No, she lost it when her home was bombed. Her entire family was wiped out!

Del: Oh! Sorry

Albert: I asked her to marry me. She said no! See I mistook her gestures of friendship as tokens of love! I suppose it was all for the best really. You see the authorities didn't like us fraternising with the Germans, and I was still married to yer Aunt Ada and she'd have kicked up a stink! It's funny you know, but even after all this time, if ever I'm watching a German war film and here the word 'nein' I always think of Helga!

Rodney: What, 'cos that's how many fingers she had?

Christmas 1988, Dates

Trigger: I've got a date.

Rodney: You wanna watch them stones, 'cos Del got one caught in his throat last Christmas.

Series 6, Danger UXD

Rodney: Yeah, there was an interesting article in the paper the other day. Did you know that Taiwan is the only country in the world that don't have any rubbish dumps; they just send it all to him.

Christmas 1989, The Jolly Boy's Outing

Del: Yeah, well, you can't miss it can you? I mean, you know ... I mean when she walks in, she ... well she lights up a room.

Rodney: Yeah. Most of your birds walk in and light up a fag.

Series 7, Three Men, A Woman And A Baby

Rodney: I'm depressed because of the state of my life at the moment. I've got this horrible feeling that if there is such a thing as reincarnation, knowing my luck I'll come back as me!