Series 1, The Russians Are Coming

Grandad: The politicians, the politicians and the military men used to con you. They had little lads, youngsters believing that their country really did need them! D'you know, they used to have little lads of 14 pretending they was 18 just so they could fight for their King and country!

Del: What, and they accepted the little sprogs?

Grandad: More often than not...My brother George lied about his age!

Rodney: Pretended he was 18?

Grandad: No, he was 18, he pretended he was 14, they saw through it though. I think it was the moustache.

Series 1, Christmas Crackers

Grandad: I don't know why they want these drug-addiction centres. I mean ain't we got enough drug-addicts without them recruiting more!

Series 2, The Long Legs Of The Law

Grandad: Its a good thing your Mum died when she did 'cos that would've killed her!

Series 2, No Greater Love

Del: 40......... 40, you're not being serious are ya.

Rodney: What's wrong with going out with a women of 40.

Del: Nothing, nothing at all if you happen to be 50! blimey she's even too old for me.

Grandad: Well, I'd have to think twice.

Series 2, A Losing Streak

Grandad: Scotch bloke gave me this during the war. I remember it like it was yesterday. His hands were trembling and his voice just a whisper. He said "I want you to have something to remember me by, Trotter. Take me lucky coin." Then he . . . he went!

Del: What - he died?

Grandad: Deserted! Mind you , you couldn't blame him the way them Germans was carrying on. Someone was gonna get hurt.

Series 2, It Never Rains

Rodney: You mean you were gun-running in the middle of a civil war?

Grandad: Well that's the best time to do it Rodney, supply and demand!

Series 2, It Never Rains.

Grandad: They took Nobby away and . . . tortured him! You could hear his screams echoing through the night!

Rodney: Woke you up at one point didn't it?

Grandad: The last thing on my mind was sleep Rodney! But no matter what they done to him Nobby wouldn't say a word!

Del: I bet he didn't ever have his Callard and Bowser to suck on did he!

Grandad: Then it were my turn!

Rodney: They . . . they tortured you?

Grandad: No! But they would have done if I hadn't told them everything I knew!

Series 3, Homesick

Grandad: One night my Grandad was on sentry duty, standing there alone in the middle of Africa, when suddenly a sniper fired at him. The bullet was heading straight for my grandads heart but he had that cigarette case in his breast pocket and the bullet hit that instead.

Rodney: Jeez, it saved his life.

Grandad: Well not really, see the bullet ricocheted up his nose and blew his brains out.

Series 3, Homesick

Grandad: Alright, Del Boy?

Del: Hello Grandad, what you doing here, eh?

Grandad: I've just been getting something in for dinner.

Rodney: What have I got, Grandad?

Grandad: Er - d'you like haddock pie, Del?

Del: No I don't.

Grandad: You've got haddock pie, Rodney.

Series 3, Wanted

Grandad: You wanna be a bit careful Del Boy! A jokes a joke but you never know when to stop! What about that April Fool's day! You told me the pools had rung to say I'd won 'arf a million!

Del: Yeah that was a belter weren't it!

Grandad: Oh wonderful! But you could have least stopped me going up West with me pension money! It wasn't funny Del! I mean there I was, in a Soho nightclub drinking champagne, and I suddenly realised I didn't even do the bloody pools!

Series 3, Thicker Than Water

Del: Maisie Turner! Who the hell's Masie Turner?

Grandad: She married Bernie. Remember Bernie? Used to pull the stall out down the market.

Del: Yes yes! What about 'em?

Grandad: Well she had two sons. One by Bernie, the second by some bloke she met on a charabanc trip to the lights! Bernie found out and divorced her.

Del: How'd he find out? Blood tests?

Grandad: No, the youngest boy was half-caste!