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The van is camouflaged and has been fitted with a machine gun. Rodney is at the side of the van holding a paintbrush. The word Peckham has a dash through it and underneath, hand-painted is the word Kuwait. Rodney is putting the final touches to the "T" in Kuwait. Del is watching him with a critical eye.

Del:
(To camara) You switched that thing on yet, Albert?

There is a slight camara wobble as if someone is touching it

Albert:
(From behind the camara) I don't know. How'd you know when they're on?

Del:
Well I don't know, do I?

Rodney:
(To Del, referring to Albert) He's no David Bailey is he?

Del:
David Bailey? More like bathe-it-daily.

Albert:
(From behind the camara) During the war...

Del:
Shut up! We ain't got all night.

Albert:
I think it's working now, Del.

Albert now appears. He just grins at the camara.

Del:
(To camara) Good evening chaps.

Albert salutes with his right hand. Del salutes with his left hand

Del:
This is Derek Trotter reporting from a secret location somewhere in southern England.

Rodney:
(To Del) It's High Wycombe.

Del:
You dipstick Rodney! you don't know who'll get hold of this videotape.

Albert:
Saddam Hussein could be watching this in his bunker in Bagdhad.

Rodney:
Well he ain't gonna be able to make head nor tail of what Del says. He can't ask for a vindaloo without major confusion.

Albert:
There you go again. Say there's an officer over there called Major Confusion!

Rodney:
Oh don't be so bloody daft!

Del:
(To Albert) I think we might have to put this on micro-film.

Albert:
I think you're right son.

Del:
(To camara) As I was saying. We're here with all the wifes and girlfriends.
(They all cheer) That's that horrible noise you can hear. They've all been at the Doobonnay. And we're at this secret location.

Albert:
It's not High Wycombe. It just looks like High Wycombe.

Del:
(Exasperated) God! Lapin Saute! That is top secret you dozy old git!
(To camara) Sorry about that. So, we're all in High Wycombe...Shit! Now look what you've made me do.

Rodney:
What's it matter? It's a stupid idea anyway! Who ever heard of sending a three-wheeled van to war?

Del:
But it's nippy Rodders. It can whizz in an' out of them old sand dunes. You can go right underneath a camel in one of these things and it wouldn't even know you've been there 'til it got a whiff of exhaust.

Rodney:
Oh, it'll get a whiff of exhaust alright! they think those five hundred burning oil wells are bad - wait until this thing arrives.

Del:
There's a finely tuned, thoroughbred engine under that bonnet.

Rodney:
Oh do me a favour! Half the people on our estate are suffering with bronchitis 'cos of this van!

Del:
It's just burning a bit of carbon, that's all. This is the concorde of three-wheelers. It's just that you don't know how to drive it.
(Looks over at the wifes and girlfriends) See, this van is like a woman. It needs caressing and a bit of gentle persuasion.

Albert:
I'm saying nothing!

Rodney:
You could be right. It reminds me of some of your ex-birds - it drinks too much, makes funny noises and is old enough to know better!

Del:
Thank you Rodney.
(To camara)Now, in the back of my van you'll find a few goodies that I'm sending over for you.

Albert:
Oh, that's a nice gesture.

Del:
I'm a nice person, Unc.
(To camara) And it's all selling at knock-down prices.

Rodney:
You're actually selling stuff to our troops in the Gulf?

Del:
At knock down prices Rodney.
(To Camara) So, General Peter de Billiard will collect the dosh, he's on ten per cent, you've got the bargain of a lifetime and I've done me bit for King and country. Everyones a winner. Ventre a terre.
(Now serious) Right, we've done all the silly stuff now, so I'd like to say a few words on behalf of your wifes and families, us Trotters and everyone back here in Britain. We're all very proud of what you've achieved over there. Proud of your courage, your efficiency and the way you've carried it out. All we want you to do now is get home as quick as possible. So from all of us here, God bless you all.

They raise their cans of non-alcoholic lager and toast the troops

Del:
And don't worry about the wifes and girlfriends. I'll look after them. They're safe in my hands. You know it makes sense.

Rodney:
Can we finish it like one of them news reports?

Del:
Go on then.

Rodney:
(To camara) This is Rodney Trotter, news at (checks watch) quarter past five.
(Aside to Del) This thing still ain't working properly.

Del:
(Side of mouth) Get on with it!

Rodney:
(To camara) From fighter command, High Wycombe.

Del:
And very soon the nearest pub.

They all raise their cans again.