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Del's flat, living room, Nelson Mandela House

Rodney is sitting at the table, eating pizza and reading holiday brochures. Damien is sitting in the corner, next to Albert, also eating pizza. Albert is sitting on his chair, listening to the stereo. Del enters from kitchen, and hands Rodney a can of beer

Del:
Here you go, Rodders. (Turns to Damien) Alright, champ? (Cut to Damien, smiling. Cut back to Del, looking over Rodney's shoulder) Oh! Thinking of taking Cassandra away on a little holiday to Greece, are you?

Rodney:
Thinking being the operative word.

Del:
That's very near the place that I went about four years ago. 'Orrible, it was. Cor dear, yeah. Mosquitoes the size of sparrows - showed up on radar. And the place we stayed at - cor, dear - the room was never swept, the food was diabolical, and the sheets, they weren't changed from one week to the next.

Rodney:
You should have gone self-catering.

Del:
We did. And then, of course, the little one, he went and got a tummy bug, dashing to the khazi every five minutes.

Rodney:
Yeah, alright - I get the picture!

Del:
And then Raquel was frightened that Damien might catch it. (Rodney looks at Albert and Damien, puzzled) So, when are you thinking of booking your holiday then?

Rodney:
Del, we're not going to book the holiday. Me and Cass sat down last night and worked out our finances.

Del:
Well, what's happened to your wages?

Rodney:
My wages? I usually blow them on a donor kebab on the way home!

Del:
No, I meant your combined wages, didn't I? I mean, Cassandra, like, she earns well, doesn't she?

Rodney:
We've gotta pay the mortgage on our flat, the loan on Cassie's car, rates, life insurance, pensions, heating, food and clothing.

Del:
That's what I mean - you waste it! Listen to me, though. I had a thought last week.

Rodney:
Oh, you should have said something - we'd have had a little celebration!

Del:
Don't you get sarky with me, Rodney! This financial situation ain't all my doing. But I have thought of a way of bringing some serious money in. Modelling.

Rodney:
(Surprised) Modelling?

Del:
Yes, yes! Photographic modelling. Clothes, you know, that sort of thing for magazines and maybe - what - even the telly? (Rodney points to himself and then Del) Hmm? No, not us two, you dipstick! Him! (Points over to the corner of the room, where Albert and Damien are sitting)

Rodney:
Albert?

Del:
Oh, for god's sake! What could that old duffer be - Captain Birdseye's stunt man?

Rodney:
Well, who then?

Del:
Damien!

Cut to Damien, covered in pizza, and smiling sweetly. Cut back to Rodney, with an alarmed look on his face

Rodney:
Oh, I don't think that's a very good idea, Del.

Del:
Why not? He's a good looking kid and these model agencies, they're desperate for little chavvies to do adverts like Smarties and all that. Just think Rodders, this time next year... his little face could be on every television set in the country.

Rodney looks over at Damien again

Rodney:
No, no. I don't think it's right, you know, parents pushing kids into show business.

Del:
No, I would be pushing him, would I? It's in his blood. I mean, you know, look at Raquel.

Rodney:
What about her?

Del:
Well, she was in show business, weren't she?

Rodney:
She was a stripogram!

Del:
Once, Rodney! Just once.

Rodney:
What I'm trying to say is, it's unfair to force Damien to do something he might not want to do. I mean, when he's older, he might choose to take up modelling. He might even enjoy it, but it would be his decision.

Del:
You think the world of that little boy, don't ya?

Rodney:
(Wonders what to say, and then smiles) Well.

Del:
Yeah, I can tell that you do 'cause I can see it in your eyes! Here you are, aren't you lucky, Damien? You've got an Uncle that loves you nearly as much as your mummy and daddy.

Rodney:
(Changing the subject) So, anyway, we're still stuck in the same potless situation, ain't we?

Albert:
You two don't know when you're well off.

Del & Rodney:
Oh, god!

Albert:
During the war...

Del:
Oh, god!

Albert:
...I saw real hardship. Refugees, entire families had lost their homes and didn't know where their baby's next meal was coming from. Same thing's happening today. You think you're hard up, Rodney? Well, think about Africa.

Del:
What are you talking about? I mean, if he can't afford to go to Greece, he certainly can't afford to go to Africa!

Rodney:
No, Del. I think he means, you know, all the starving people in Africa.

Del:
Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right. We never really think about that, do we?

Rodney:
No. Well, once a year when it comes on the telly.

Del:
I mean, well, you know, we think we're hard up but, we've got a roof over our head, ain't we? And we eat every day. It's what I've always said, Rodney. 'One man's floor is another man's ceiling'.

Albert:
(Sadly) We couldn't help them people back in 1941 'cause we didn't have anything ourselves, but times have changed. I'd love to be able to just open a door and walk back into 1941.

Rodney:
How can anyone just walk back to 1941? That's stupid!

Raquel:
I'm going to bed, Del.

Del:
Yeah, alright. Goodnight, Sweetheart. (Rodney pauses, with a strange look of deja-vu on his face)
(Reference to Nicholas Lyndhurst's character in the sitcom Goodnight Sweetheart who travels back to the year 1941)
Yeah, don't be so stupid, Albert. I'm not a Detective Inspector, but even I can work that one out!
(Reference to David Jason's character, Detective Inspector Jack Frost in the Police drama A Touch of Frost)

Rodney:
To be perfectly honest we don't know how to end this scene.

Del:
No, you see we conned you. This isn't really Only Fools and Horses - we are working for Comic Relief and what we would like to say at this pacific moment in time is, 'give us some dosh.

Rodney:
He means send it to Comic Relief not literally to us...

Del:
Leave this to me will you Rodney? (Quietly to Rodney) We could start Trotter Relief - everything would go towards charity.

Rodney:
Yes, but would any of it actually arrive? For the last ten years Comic Relief have been helping the poorest people in Africa but they also support projects all over the UK. They are helping old people living below the poverty line.

Del:
Homeless youngsters who are living on the streets or who's lives have been buggered up by drugs or booze. Women and little 'uns who are being hurt by people who drink too much and loads of other brilliant projects right across the plectrum.

Rodney:
(Whispers to Del) Spectrum.

Del:
Mais Oui

Rodney:
And unlike Del's Ukrainian compact disk player, it works. Tonight we have the chance to improve someone else's life, so please go to your bank or building society.

Del:
Or give us a bell on 0345 460 460 and...

Del & Rodney:
Give us some dosh.