The Royal Variety Performance is taking place. In a London street Del, Rodney and Albert are unloading boxes of 12 year-old scotch whiskey from the van.

Rodney:
Del are you sure this is Delaney's Club?

Albert:
Course it is Rodney. I ain't been here for years but I'd recognise it anywhere.

Del:
Come on Rodney, grab hold. (He gives Rodney a box) Here Albert this is yours. Take it will you. (The box is labelled Glen MacDonald Whiskey - Product of Malaysia)

Rodney:
Produce of Malaysia?

Del:
Don't worry about that.

Rodney:
I'd check Del - make sure this is Delaney's Club.

Del:
Course it is - look at the sign there, Du-lane-e.

A sign which normally reads Drury Lane Theatre is only partially lit so only the letters D U LANE E E are showing.

(cont.) He's got two GCE's and he still can't read - come on Albert in you go. That's it and you Rodney. Listen the first person you see ask for the manager, Chunky Lewis.

Del:
(From Wings) Are you there Chunky, Chunky, are you there? Rodney, mind that big thing. (Rodney trips and falls). You Plonker.

Rodney:
Sorry

Del walks out onto the stage.

Del:
Chunky, are you there? He's not here Rodney. Theres nobody here. He's probably popped out for a doner kebab or something. Anyway drop the gear down here for a minute. We'll hang around for a while. (Del and Albert look around.) Here they haven't half done the place up a bit since we was here last, eh Albert?

Albert:
Yeah, it's changed. He's had a roof conversion, hasn't he? I bet this'll be lovely when it's finished.

Del:
Rodney, this is a prime example of what I've been trying to tell you all these years. See from little acorns. this used to be a tiny little dive of a place, didn't it Albert?

Albert:
Yeah, just a little strip joint that's all it was.

Del:
Still you can see what old Chunky's done with it. He's actually opened it up, knocked a few walls down. spent a bit of money on the old decor. It's like I've been trying to say to you Rodney, it's our little acorns. I mean you've got to remember Marks and Spencer's started with a barrow didn't they? Henry Ford he started with a barn. Nissans, they started with a hut. From little acorns, innit eh? And these (The boxes of whiskey) are our acorns. This time next year we'll be millionaires.

Rodney:
Del, this stuff ain't gonna sell. This is not 12 year-old whiskey.

Del:
That's what it says on the box.

Rodney:
you printed that. This stuff is not 12 years-old.

Del:
Look we've got an import licence for it Rodney, what do you want - a bloody birth certificate?

Rodney:
A connoisseur would be able to tell...

Albert:
A connoisseur might but members of Delaney's Club wouldn't. I mean by the time they get in here most of them have got one paddle in the water.

Rodney:
(Rodney has noticed the audience) Del, there's people out there.

Del:
Oh yes so there is. It's alright don't worry about it. They are the members, you can tell - look at their eyes. (To audience) All right don't panic. It ain't a raid. Carry on drinking. Course I expect they're waiting for the performance to start. In the old days Rodney, the girls would be on now. Where is he? Chunky, Chunky, Gorden Bennett. Come on.

Rodney spots the royal box and its occupant - Her Majesty the Queen Mother

Rodney:
Albert, Del... Del

Albert:
(Albert sees too) Del Boy.

Del:
what's wrong?

Rodney:
Look who is sitting in the box to your right.

Del:
(Thinks he means Albert, who is sitting on a box of whiskey.) Well he's sitting on the box to...

Rodney:
I don't mean Albert.

Rodney whispers to Del. Del goes to look but is dazzled by the theatre lights.

Del:
Is that you Chunky?

Rodney:
The other box.

Del:
(Can't believe his eyes) No, no, it is, it's...

All three begin to bow and scrape, Albert salutes.

Rodney:
I think we've made a mistake.

Del:
Well don't panic, don't panic. Just pick up the gear, pick up the gear. It's alright. Pick it up Rodney, move out, move out. (All three begin to back out towards the wings) Slowly, slowly, no one will be any the wiser.

Rodney:
What about that lot?

Albert:
I don't think they noticed us.

Del:
I mean we don't want the papers getting hold of this do we, eh?

Rodney:
No, we'd look right dipsticks wouldn't we?

Del:
I didn't mean that. I mean - what's Her Majesty doing in Delaney's Club?